Discussion
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Comments
Good start to the paper. From the start (including the title) you should be clear the the purpose is to review the research on your topic. You are not writing a position paper, so omit the stance that is connoted in the title. Also, make the title longer and more specific. In your introductory dialog include citations that support your assertions. Some established definitions would also be helpful.
The dialog should also stay focused. Avoid the anecdotal information and just focus on the research papers. You haven't provided a reference list so I can't comment on what you have other than that one of the papers you discuss looks like a good research paper. In future drafts you will want to start synthesizing the research studies in a more holistic way, by comparing and contrasting the studies in a continuous flow of analysis.
Your writing is good and understandable in this draft. Use less or no first person in the dialog to make it more formal. Third person is usually the standard in professional scientific paper writing.
My main concern with the paper now is the selection of research papers. I'm not convinced you are reviewing enough first-hand research papers. Since you still don't have the reference list, it is hard for me to judge this based on your dialog alone. In this light, it is also important to go into more depth on the research and critique so your examination of the research is thorough and you show understanding of the studies. Most importantly, the core of your paper needs to dialog about actual research reports.
A suggestion to make the paper even stronger would be to integrate all of the studies into more of a cohesive single discussion that includes comparisons and contrasts. Your serial approach in this draft examines each study mostly in isolation from the others. Although this accomplishes the objective of reviewing the studies, the paper can be stronger with a more holistic a synthesis of all the research you found.
In the introductory material, be more clear that the purpose of the paper is to review the research literature. Make sure all your claims are supported by some good citations throughout the paper. For example, when you refer to "critics" or "others," you need to clarify who you are talking about, preferably with a citation. Overall, I think the introduction should stay more focused on the purpose, by outlining the definition of the topic and emphasizing the research, and not so much reporting on the topic. This applies throughout the paper too. Some tertiary dialog can be omitted.
The final paper will need a rewrite of the title, to something that is more descriptive, like "A Review of . . ." Also, there are other important elements missing like the need for an abstract and reference list.
Your writing is good and understandable in this draft. Use less or no first or second person in the dialog to make it more formal. Third person is usually the standard in professional scientific paper writing.
Here are a couple example papers you can take a look at: Example 1, Example 2, Example 3, Example 4
Format: The paper needs format improvement. The APA referencing format looks fairly good, although there are some minor mistakes on some of the in-text citations. I can't comment on the reference list though.
Great write up. Gender inequalities is a difficult subject because everyone seems to have their own view of how things should be. I don't believe that the issue will ever be resolved because what it comes down to is that the genders are created unequal. Generally speaking, men are bigger, faster, and stronger than women. Because the solid facts of how we are physically different will never change, most likely the gender inequality issues will never change either. It really is an interesting topic though, something that could be debated time and time again. Great work on finding some good research on the subject.